Today I have the feeling nothing will work out. That might sound dramatic… Because it is. But today is one of those days that I feel like everything is against me. Let’s back up to my appointment though.
April 30th I saw another Doctor, not because I didn’t like the other Doctor but because I felt like he didn’t have the same drive I did. Or maybe I was looking for someone who has more drive than I have???? Someone who would let me know it’s ok to want kids and still be able to have boundaries on what I was willing to do to get them. Which is exactly what I got.
She asked me to give a run down, things I’ve tried things I haven’t tried etc. She laid out all of the options and then asked what I wanted. I’ll admit, I hate making decisions, but when I have convictions on why I do or do not do something it is so much easier! I hate things being thrown at me and be expected to give an answer. Anyway, I was super nervous… I wasn’t getting a pap, I didn’t have to get naked… Why should I be nervous? Because it’s one of the first times that I have gone in to the Doctor and felt like if we get answers and take care of any issues we might be able to do this.
One of the biggest problems I have had is making sure I’m not forcing what I want over what God wants. I know that the bible says to be fruitful and multiply, but all the women in the Bible who feel empty while “barren” are the same ones who seem to get ahead of God and have to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. The last thing I would want is forcing it and having multiple miscarriages or children with birth defects (Dont get me wrong, if I got pregnant right now and had a baby with downs syndrome, Etc. I would love that child and know that God ment it as a blessing, but if it were after rounds of hormones I would always wonder) that I would blame myself for.
She asked what the most extensive thing I would consider, because I think she saw me cringe when she said IVF. I said I would want to narrow it down so we weren’t just throwing things at it. And I said the most I would be comfortable with would be basic hormone therapy ie. Clomid. It’s kind of funny she gave a basic order of what would be tried, more extensive labs than in the past. And she was glad to hear I had the HSG to rule out tubal blockage. Then she suggested an endometrial biopsy. It would test for bacterial infections abnormal uterine tissues, that kinda stuff. I’m thinking ok what could it hurt. Then she looked at the calendar a asked when my last period was. Looked at the calendar again and said great do you want to do it today? Uhh…. Can we wait? Like I said, no pap… I didn’t have to get naked…. Which was a good thing because my razor was dull, so I hadn’t shaved my legs for a while. I know I don’t need to “impress” the doc but seriously nobody should be subjected to no shave November in May…. That’s just cruel!
I was sent home with lab orders to get done. So, I should have had my labs done today on day 3 of my cycle…. But today is a holiday, and the lab isn’t open. My biopsy isn’t scheduled until next month so I can have my labs don’t on my next cycle and it really won’t be a big deal. I still feel defeated. Like I can’t get a break. I think I’ve done my dues, and waited long enough. I think it’s about time I find out what’s going on. But I have to wait one more month. Is this the end of the world? No. Does it feel that way today? Yes. Let’s face it what’s one more month added to the years we have been waiting.
P.S. I tell my friend, who works at the clinic I was seen at, about getting an endometrial biopsy and she says “oh that’s the one that makes people scream”. Really?!? I was all ready to get it done not to worried about it but, screaming? So looked up stories of people who have had one done, and the majority said that it was painful but less painful than a HSG. Whew! I came through the HSG with some cramping but most of my weirdness was from the iodine. I can do it…. if I can’t, I will anyway… my dad always says what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if I don’t die… I might be a body builder!
I scheduled my next appointment for two months out. I will get my labs done and start using an ovulation predictor kit before I go in and am anxious to get answers!