Hormones suck….

I mean like a super powered Hoover! I’m in a hormone induced vortex. Clomid has turned me into a woman…. Not that I wasn’t one before, but I have always been told that I’m not emotional, and I’m not really. Or at least I wasn’t 4 months ago. Clomid has had me on an emotional roller coaster. It begins  with the hope after seeing a positive opk and thinking yay, it’s working!  Only to be squashed by a routine visit from the period fairy who takes all those hopes and doesn’t even leave money under my pillow. How inconsiderate! 

These last two months were pretty similar as far as symptoms go. Headaches, cranky, eating everything in site and becoming a giant cow. But the last month added some ever joyful constipation. Woohoo! Which made me even grumpier and even more bloated than my weight gain was a tribute to. I was hoping it was a good sign, progesterone can cause constipation, but no. The sore swollen boobs? Just me getting fat and starting my period. And to top all of this off I got the news that my grandpa had passed way. This is just a crazy emotion cocktail life has served me up. 

One of the only things that helps me get through is going to my friends house on the mornings that I work. We read our bibles, pray for each other, have our coffee, and talk about life. Yes, it’s something small, but it’s important and makes a huge difference in how I interact with people throughout the day. Having a friend that shares my beliefs and is willing to wake up early to start the day with such a positive, changes everything. 

When I started clomid over 3 months ago I went in knowing that I would only do 3 rounds and then I would be done. I am ok with being done with trying. I don’t think I’ll ever lose the hope that it could still happen and I’ll have to reprogram my brain to focus on something else. But it feels good to know that I did something, even if it didn’t turn out how I planned. Here I am ready shut this door and walk through whatever door God opens. 

Clomid….

I started using OPKs (Ovulation predictor kits)in June, and I had my LH (luteinizing hormone, which is higher right at ovulation) surge on day 20 with a 31 day cycle. Not impossible to get knocked up, but not real hopeful. The second month was the month of my EMB (endometrial biopsy). After I had it done I was taking ibuprofen for cramps and to keep down swelling. My LH surge was day 26 with a 27 day cycle. Hmmmm I’m not sure if this is normal for me and that’s why I have been having problems getting pregnant or if it was so late because of the ibuprofen. I have said before, that some people are under the belief that NSAIDs with their anti inflammatory properties can inhibit ovulation. Making the ovaries unable to swell enough to release an egg. Up until a year and a half ago I was popping NSAIDs like candy. But I cut way back and then quit using them all together when I heard about it could possibly be hindering ovulation. Either way, I’m not ovulating early enough.   

I started clomid in July. 50 mg on day 5 and continued through day 9. Quentin had been out of town and I wasn’t sleeping very well. I used to love him being gone, house to myself, I can eat all those things that I love and he doesn’t, mmmm pizza rolls. But now that it is a regular thing I have a hard time sleeping. So I started my rounds at a disadvantage. I started getting headaches, Not super bad but migraineish off and on all day. My mood did change a little but I didn’t notice until it was pointed out to me. When someone looks at me and says “that was rude…” When I am normally a person that can’t be mean if I try, there might be something happening.  I did feel really anxious though any of these could be a sideaffect of low sleep, on the 4th day of clomid our church youth camp started… Which always makes me emotional anyway. I just felt uncomfortable and not myself. I really wanted to sleep on my way over but I just couldn’t and I smelt like a school locker room. I know I put on deodorant, but when your friend threatens  to tape your arms down… You might need a shower. Jus’ sayin’. The day after my last pill I finally hit the wall. I cried 3 times that day. The things that made me cry were normal things to cry about for normal people…. But I normally only cry in private and only twice a year. Although it isn’t natural for me, for the first time in my life crying actually made me feel better. Not the act of crying, but the heartfelt prayer that it was paired with. The most ardent of these was over the souls of my family. I know that I can’t save them. I also know that they can’t save themselves. My family believes in salvation by works. But Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is a gift if God: not of works, lest any man should boast. Which means that all the good cannot make up for all the bad I’ve done. The only denomination of money that can pay for your ticket to heaven is the blood of Christ. He has already payed for your ticket and is waiting for you to accept it. I know I am off track from my story but if it is Gods will that I don’t have children but that my family comes to know Christ, praise God! I don’t need kids, but I do need my family to know the truth. 

 I was told to use OPKs from the last day of clomid until I got a positive. Which was really awkward at youth camp in an outhouse. Not to mention I didn’t want to leave them in the trash in case someone saw it and thought it was a pregnancy test  ( because they all look positive) and that would be way too much drama. So I had to smuggle a cup and and a kit to and from the bathroom each morning. “What’s the cup for?” “Uhhhh, I might get thirsty….” Nope not awkward at all. 

I got home from camp, still no positive. Not until cycle day 15 did I get a positive. And then life happened. We are youth leaders at our church and take it seriously. If our kids need something we help the best we can. Sometimes our kids are having a hard time at home they know that they can hang with us. Because this is the norm, I couldn’t say no, you can’t stay the night, because it would have been followed by why. And I don’t think telling them that we need alone time to procreate, would have been appropriate. We didn’t miss the window, but we didn’t throw rocks as often as we would have if the house was empty, wink wink. 

When the home stretch came into view I got hopeful when my boobs hurt so bad I wanted to cry, and was so tired I was falling asleep at work and driving. Yay these are good signs! Should I take a test early? No, I promised I wouldn’t until the first day of my missed period. Two days before I should have started I woke up with horrible cramps. Poop. But it was only round one and there is always next month. Time to start round two! 

My EMB. 

I was excited and nervous for my EMB. All of the horror stories although they held some truth, I think they were over dramatized. It is basically a biopsy of the uterine lining to test for abnormal cells and proper growth during the cycle. I had forgotten to take anything, even though I was advised to take ibuprofen about 30 min before hand, so it was painful. Almost like a period crammed into 5 minuets.

The MA told me to breath…. Because apparently I was holding my breath. Which, I did have someone ripping out pieces of my uterus and that’s after the speculum and opening my cervix. Holding my breath was a pretty natural reaction that kind of pain, I thought. I also got a little squirmy, also a natural reaction. I am fine if I can see why I am in pain. When I get my blood drawn I’m fine ( actually I kinda enjoy it, so glad I never got a tattoo, I would be addicted to them), but if I can’t see it like getting a pimple pinched on back ( so I have bacne, don’t judge me) I can’t sit still. Maybe valume would have been a good call. I was so relieved when the Dr. said “I’m done” that I just sat up. Which in hindsight wasn’t the best idea. She told me I might feel lightheaded and could lay down for a bit if I needed to. But I was not going to admit that I was lightheaded mostly because that ment I had to wait longer to get dressed… I was told the results should be in by Friday and then we can make some decisions about a plan of action.

I don’t know what outcome I was wanted more but I don’t think it was the one I got. It was exactly one week when I got the results. When I was told everything was fine, it was sort of a let down. Not that I want there to be something wrong with me. But if there was and it could be fixed it seems more logical than “nope you don’t have any reason for not getting pregnant so let’s throw some drugs at it”. Really nothing I don’t want to be in the “unexplained infertility” group. I was raised around farms. We had pigs, cows, chickens etc. and one thing I know is that a female animal that can’t reproduce is next weeks dinner. And being a Bible believing Christian I know that if I lived in the Old Testament that Quentin would have gotten another wife by now to preserve his family name. But I’m glad that he doesn’t see it that way and neither does God. God doesn’t judge us on what we can or can’t do, but what we will or won’t do for Him. Hebrews 12:1-2 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patients the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. We are asked to run with patients, knowing that God is in control. Jesus could have given up when he was hungry, thirsty, dying. He didn’t because he wanted what God wanted. Philipians 2:5 Let this mind be in you, which  was also in Christ Jesus. Everything in my life can and should be used to bring others to Christ, good or bad. It is up to me to allow my life to be used for his glory not mine. Romans 12:1-2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that he present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God. 

When I was asked if I wanted to try clomid I was hesitant. I don’t want to force anything, and emotions scare me because I’m pretty even keel, but I can’t look back one day and say I didn’t try. So, here we go, one round of clomid started. Please pray for Gods will in all of this.

What goes on in my head. 

Sunday night, there I was lying in bed feeling crapy and frusterated. Most woman who have fertility isues are ok with having a late period. Not me. Not this time. I was supposed to have an emb on Friday. I was also supposed to get labs done on day 3 of my cycle and I can’t do that either because I haven’t started. Also, because I was not feeling to hot my brain was in a default mode that says “hey maybe your preggers”. Stupid brain. I took a test and it might have had a line but it also could have been me being stupid, and I like being stupid more than being a broken incubator, so I went with stupid. I just want to get the tests done and find out why I can’t think this a good thing. I took another test Monday , negative…. I started later that day. Bad news: I’m not pregnant, I know how to handle that… Good news: I can get my labs done Wednesday and reschedule my appointment. Which I did for the 6th. A week ago I prayed God would show me his plan. I am tired of holding things off because there still might be a chance we can have kids. I’m tired of saying that I don’t know why we can’t have kids. I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I have waited so long to look into fertility and put everything else on the back burner that I really don’t have anything to say “hey this is my life’s accomplishment”. I believe God wants me to be a nurse. Q and I have always wanted to start a camp to help kids and family’s that need it. I know that becoming a nurse is the best way to do that so we won’t have to staff someone. I also know that I would be a great nurse, once I got over my fear of making decisions. But all in all I love helping people and I think I can do that by going to nursing school. 

I don’t know if flow being late was Gods way of saying “hey, stop worrying about this and go to school” or “you can’t go to school work and be pregnant so….”. But either way I can’t start school right now anyway. We have an opportunity to buy the house we are renting but we need to lower out debt ratio first. We are working on it but I can’t start school if we need to pay a mortgage. I don’t like decisions and prioritizing is probably the hardest of all decisions. It’s like we have had all of these dreams… The same ones, since we met and not a single one has become reality. Even crack heads can  get pregnant. People buy houses all the time. I feel like we have been walking in the same circles all these years( wow that statement makes me feel really old) and still haven’t gotten anywhere. My life seems pointless. What’s the point in getting up and going to work if it doesn’t better my life. Why make appointments and go to the dr if I can’t make a decision on my next step due to expenses or flat out fear. It’s like I’m climbing a sand dune. The ones that look like they are straight up when you are at the bottom and every step I take, I just slide back down. I can climb all day and I haven’t gone anywhere, I just get hungry thirsty and tired. People always say don’t give up, but I’m exhausted mentally and physically And I haven’t even done anything! I hate feeling like a failure. The bottom line is don’t procrastinate, because the lady laying in the nursing home disoriented and dyeing with no family might be you some day. 

Ok, so enough morbid pity party. I need to stop saying , ” let’s wait and see” because if I wait and see any longer it will be to late. I mean come on I’m 30 and my eggs are getting old! Besides that nobody wants to be mistaken for their kids grandparents…. Ok so that’s what goes on in my head. Now you know. And I’m sorry for that. 

I will update on my appointment as soon as I get results. 

Youth soccer syndrome….

Thanks Brandie! I have another appointment next Friday I’ll update after that 🙂

No impossibilities

Why do we all have to measure ourselves by achievements? Why do we have to be so jealous of what others have accomplished that we want to deny them a chance to celebrate?

I am infertile. I understand feeling awkward and left out on Mother’s Day. But I also think that we should recognize women for what they do to contribute to society. Being a good mother not only affects the children they have today but the world we will live in, in the future. Just because I can’t have my own recognition doesn’t mean I should try to take it away from others.What would wesay if single people started saying ” I don’t think we should celebrateanniversaries because it makes me feel uncomfortable and sad” … huh?

If you don’t like that your church will be having a day of appreciation for mothers then stay home. Don’t be a…

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The Apointment…

Today I have the feeling nothing will work out. That might sound dramatic… Because it is. But today is one of those days that I feel like everything is against me. Let’s back up to my appointment though.

April 30th I saw another Doctor, not because I didn’t like the other Doctor but because I felt like he didn’t have the same drive I did. Or maybe I was looking for someone who has more drive than I have???? Someone who would let me know it’s ok to want kids and still be able to have boundaries on what I was willing to do to get them. Which is exactly what I got.

She asked me to give a run down, things I’ve tried things I haven’t tried etc. She laid out all of the options and then asked what I wanted. I’ll admit, I hate making decisions, but when I have convictions on why I do or do not do something it is so much easier! I hate things being thrown at me and be expected to give an answer. Anyway, I was super nervous… I wasn’t getting a pap, I didn’t have to get naked… Why should I be nervous? Because it’s one of the first times that I have gone in to the Doctor and felt like if we get answers and take care of any issues we might be able to do this.

One of the biggest problems I have had is making sure I’m not forcing what I want over what God wants. I know that the bible says to be fruitful and multiply, but all the women in the Bible who feel empty while “barren” are the same ones who seem to get ahead of God and have to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. The last thing I would want is forcing it and having multiple miscarriages or children with birth defects (Dont get me wrong, if I got pregnant right now and had a baby with downs syndrome, Etc. I would love that child and know that God ment it as a blessing, but if it were after rounds of hormones I would always wonder) that I would blame myself for.

 She asked what the most extensive thing I would consider, because I think she saw me cringe when she said IVF. I said I would want to narrow it down so we weren’t just throwing things at it. And I said the most I would be comfortable with would be basic hormone therapy ie. Clomid. It’s kind of funny she gave a basic order of what would be tried, more extensive labs than in the past. And she was glad to hear I had the HSG to rule out tubal blockage. Then she suggested an endometrial biopsy. It would test for bacterial infections abnormal uterine tissues, that kinda stuff. I’m thinking ok what could it hurt. Then she looked at the calendar a asked when my last period was. Looked at the calendar again and said great do you want to do it today? Uhh…. Can we wait? Like I said, no pap… I didn’t have to get naked…. Which was a good thing because my razor was dull, so I hadn’t shaved my legs for a while. I know I don’t need to “impress” the doc but seriously nobody should be subjected to no shave November in May…. That’s just cruel!

I was sent home with lab orders to get done. So, I should have had my labs done today on day 3 of my cycle…. But today is a holiday, and the lab isn’t open. My biopsy isn’t scheduled until next month so I can have my labs don’t on my next cycle and it really won’t be a big deal. I still feel defeated. Like I can’t get a break. I think I’ve done my dues, and waited long enough. I think it’s about time I find out what’s going on. But I have to wait one more month. Is this the end of the world? No. Does it feel that way today? Yes. Let’s face it what’s one more month added to the years we have been waiting. 

P.S. I tell my friend, who works at the clinic I was seen at, about getting an endometrial biopsy and she says “oh that’s the one that makes people scream”. Really?!? I was all ready to get it done not to worried about it but, screaming? So looked up stories of people who have had one done, and the majority said that it was painful but less painful than a HSG. Whew! I came through the HSG with some cramping but most of my weirdness was from the iodine. I can do it…. if I can’t, I will anyway… my dad always says what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if I don’t die… I might be a body builder!

I scheduled my next appointment for two months out. I will get my labs done and start using an ovulation predictor kit before I go in and am anxious to get answers!

Youth soccer syndrome….

Why do we all have to measure ourselves by achievements? Why do we have to be so jealous of what others have accomplished that we want to deny them a chance to celebrate?

I am infertile. I understand feeling awkward and left out on Mother’s Day.  But I also think that we should recognize women for what they do to contribute to society. Being a good mother not only affects the children they have today but the world we will live in, in the future. Just because I can’t have my own recognition doesn’t mean I should try to take it away from others. What would we say if single people started saying ” I don’t think we should celebrate anniversaries because it makes me feel uncomfortable and sad” … huh?

If you don’t like that your church will be having a day of appreciation for mothers then stay home. Don’t be a “soccer mom” that says “we shouldn’t keep score because it will make one team feel like losers”. I truly believe that having trials like this will make you a stronger person and will also help you analyze your priorities. Use your struggles to be a better person, not a whiner. I know what it’s like to want what you can’t have. But is having a baby my biggest goal in life? Or should I be more focused on whether or not my life situations, good and bad, can be used for Christ? Because I am infertile I have come in contact with people who I would never have met that my just be waiting to see how a Christian handles being broken. Maybe my story will lead someone to salvation. But if my whole story is me complaining and whining about what I don’t have and how unfair it is, what have I gained? What have I shown a lost world? That Christians don’t have any more answers to life than them. We may not know when or even if we will ever have kids, but we make the most out of the kids we come in contact with. The youth group at church are our kids. If God never blesses us with a blood born child of our own, we will still have our kids.

That’s what makes a mom. If you aren’t willing to accept that some people my not “recognize” you as a mom, you need to remember it doesn’t matter what they think. God will bless you more when you put all your love into what he’s already given you. God is no respecter of persons. All he want is Math 22:37-39 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, ad with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. So get up and go to church tomorrow, or stay at home and pout, but don’t take the day away from someone else, because it makes you sad. Because if God does bless you, will you still feel so wronged by a day you now fit into?

I Know this is kind of a rant, but in all seriousness, please don’t let your insecurities make others feel bad about the blessings God has given them.